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Center for Enlightened Leadership
 
THE LENS – A QUARTERLY E-NEWSLETTER/JOURNAL

What Are You Holding Onto That's Holding You Back?
By ROBERT W. COLE

  Robert W. Cole
 

Robert W. Cole
Managing Editor
and Senior Associate

Weeks ago, as I first contemplated the topic of forgiveness, I saw clearly that, for me, the biggest challenge is not forgiving others, but forgiving myself. Perfect, I thought—here’s the topic of my column. As time passed and I strove to set down my feelings about self-forgiveness, I got nowhere. It’s exceedingly difficult, I found, to write about something that has continually eluded me.

So, like a contestant on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” I called a Lifeline. My Lifeline is my dear friend Gerry Boylan, author of Christ in Training and, most recently, What Are You Holding Onto That’s Holding You Back? (both available on Amazon, by the way, or through Gerry’s website: www.christintraining.com). A therapist, Reiki Master, and Unity minister, Gerry is E. B. White’s Charlotte to my Wilbur. What follows are some excerpts from Gerry’s take on forgiveness.

When I open myself up to forgiveness from God or another, I recognize, in depth, that I am not what I do. My True Self and my actions are not the same thing. When I recognize that my actions are not who I am, I acknowledge this same truth in others. With that sublime recognition, I am more open to releasing my anger and resentment towards you. Thus forgiveness creates an infinite spiral ever reaching towards Oneness.

Forgiveness gives the freedom to live simply and in the present. The more stuff you are holding onto, the more complicated and burdensome life becomes. What are you holding onto that is holding you back? Is it fear, anger, resentment, or self-criticism? No matter what you are holding onto, the antidote, the release, is forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go; holding on, or “unforgiveness,” creates a state of mind dominated by anger, fear, jealousy, guilt, and resentment. The negative results of this holding on are legion: all forms of self-destructive behavior, barriers to healthy relationships, physical illness, and a sense of isolation.

When we are holding on, we perceive ourselves and others as guilty and flawed. Our faith is eroded; we become vengeful and vindictive; we tend to focus on outside inconsequential values rather than the more important ones inside; we ignore or deny our feelings by suppression or projection onto others; we live in blame, shame, and guilt; we are fearful of looking at ourselves, and especially of looking at ourselves lovingly.

We can only be forgiven as we forgive. Forgiveness means letting go, making a space, and opening up. If I am locked up and holding onto fear, anger, resentment, then there is little room for forgiveness to enter.

Then I thought, what would it be like if I forgave myself? What would it be like if I let go of all my negative feelings towards my body, mind, emotions, and spirit? What would happen? I would be free! Would any of the previously mentioned conditions change? Maybe, maybe not, but I would have changed. I would be like a balloon with its sandbags cut free, flying, unencumbered, and so much closer to the truth of who I really am: an unconditionally loved child of God.

Forgiveness allows me to be at peace, to be free of the past, to experience myself as strong and capable, to love and be loved. Forgiveness allows everything to be as it is. My relationships—with all others, and with myself—are open, loving, and unencumbered. In a state of forgiveness, my energy can now be directed in more positive, healthy ways for myself and others.

Forgiveness calls for deep levels of self-honesty and love. The energy that I put into surrender in the form of forgiveness allows me to honor, feel, and release all the many feelings that might be connected to my life experiences. Feelings such as rage, anger, shame, fear, and hurt are all very real. All these feelings need to be acknowledged, accepted, and dealt with in order for forgiveness to be lasting.

Many confuse forgiveness with being a victim. Forgiveness neither condones the act nor absolves the perpetrator. Forgiveness is about me, not the other person. When I release my anger and resentment and focus on my own well-being and healing, that is when I am free. As Thomas Merton beautifully stated, “The arrow with which I shoot my enemy has to pass through my own heart.” When I drop my quiver with forgiveness, I no longer wound you and I no longer wound myself.

Forgiveness is similar to the process of grieving. It follows a pattern of willingness, evaluation, feeling, letting go, and opening to love.


Center for Empowered Leadership ®
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