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Powerful Learning through the Reflected Best Self Exercise
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Bea Mah Holland |
The longer I coach and consult, the more convinced I am of the power of positivity! I first learned about the Reflected Best Self Exercise in Barbara Fredrickson’s illuminating book, Positivity (Crown, 2009), which provides “groundbreaking research [that] reveals how to embrace the hidden strength of positive emotions, overcome negativity, and thrive.” Fredrickson states: “[A] compelling way to find out about your strengths is to consult people who know you well and ask them to describe times they’ve witnessed you at your very best…[Then] your task is to pull those themes together in a Reflected Best-Self Portrait, a short essay that captures the wisdom within the narrative data you’ve gathered and studied.”
Fredrickson reports that “[the exercise] has gained wide acclaim, having been featured in the Harvard Business Review as an effective and energizing tool for personal development.” The author goes on to say, “Despite your extended contact with these people, their stories of why and how much they appreciate you have likely gone unspoken. Sad to say, it’s not normal for us to speak frankly and openly about the ways we love and appreciate one another. Yet gaining access to these reflections ignites positivity… And you’ll be energized to move closer to your best self more often.”
As I designed this particular series of workshops for a hospital setting, I realized that in addition to increased knowledge about their individual strengths, team members could get even more benefit from this exercise by talking about their Reflected Best Self-Portraits with their colleagues. I posited that if they spoke about their signature strengths—backed by illustrative stories as told by their respondents—team members would understand and appreciate each other even more, and become more supportive of each other in their ongoing work together.
Below you will see three people’s comments about the impact of the Reflected Best Self exercise. The first observation was made by a person with direct responsibility in the hospital:
I was uplifted by the Reflected Best Self Exercise because it was an opportunity to learn from my family, friends, and co-workers about how they believed I made a difference in their lives. This exercise provided me with better insight regarding the appreciation and depth of the love they had for me for things I had done to support them...I was not aware they had such an impact! I was so touched to learn about how some of the work my colleagues and I implemented many years ago lives on even though I had moved on to another facility many years ago.
The second person—one of the above person’s direct reports—shared the following insights:
[Though] I can't say that I felt empowered, I can say that I was surprised especially by one [story] from my sister explaining the effect on her daughter. I had no idea. I am in awe about how my words and actions affected my nieces and nephews. I've never been one to pat myself on the back. I just do what is expected. I follow the rules. I learned early in life that not everything is fair. You take what life throws at you. It may make you change your course, or choose differently, but those experiences make you who you are today. I am honest, hard working, and a good [professional]. I'm able to go to sleep at night, and rest comfortably knowing I did my best…I'm not the huggy type, but those who know me sometimes see the glimpses of my soft insides, protected by my hard outer shell….
Another direct report was moved by her son’s observations, as were all members of the team, as well as this writer. This person, reflecting about the impact of the exercise, noted:
I don't so much feel empowered as I do humbled. I look at the blessings that have been given to me and can only feel grateful. I think of all the challenges that kids face nowadays, and for them to live within a moral compass is probably not the norm. I am so amazed to watch my son take his stand for what he believes to be right, and fight against what he feels is wrong. As a Mom I couldn't be more proud, but deep inside I know that my son’s character is part of who he is and I feel it’s been an honor to raise this child. I was grateful to do this exercise, because I don't know if I would've ever truly taken the time to look around and really appreciate what surrounds me. I can take things for granted sometimes.
Below is one of the emails received by this third person in response to her request for “three detailed vignettes about the ways I add value and make important contributions”:
Mom,
My mother has been one of the most influential people in my life and has many special features, but a few of these features have been very prominent in my life.
Faith. My mother has provided a strong foundation for me to grow on: this foundation is my Roman Catholic faith. By providing such a sturdy and level foundation, my mother has allowed me to grow in my relationship with her, my family and friends, and God. This foundation provides the basis of my entire life and allows me to live an amazing life.
Support. I know that my mother will support any of my decisions no matter what. I have wanted to be a surgeon since I was 5 years old, and now being a junior in high school I need to start looking at the road ahead of me. I know that even if my mother was against me being a surgeon she would support me, and knowing that she is there for my support—no matter what—is a very comforting thought.
Respect. Not only has my mother provided two outstanding things in my life but she has also provided a third: respect. I have learned to respect everyone in my life no matter their race, creed, or gender—everyone has my respect. My mother has taught this to me and that everyone has my respect if they earn it.
Love ya, mom—hopes this helps.
The exercise is noteworthy in that what people learn about themselves is similar to what is said at funerals about the dearly departed—who unfortunately are no longer able to benefit from such information. I highly recommend this potent exercise as a way to empower and uplift oneself and others.
Center for Empowered Leadership ®
Email: info@cfel.org
Phone: 1.609.259.7911