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Center for Enlightened Leadership
 
THE LENS – A QUARTERLY E-NEWSLETTER/JOURNAL

Welcome to the eleventh issue of The Lens. In each issue we feature one of the spiritual principles of leadership. In this issue we Focus on Principle of Gratitude.

In this issue we welcome the contribution on Healing and Gratitude from Peter and Anne Selby. We also welcome Dr. Christa Metzger who has been a guest contributor to The Lens as a new CFEL Associate.

Please note that to print The Lens, click on your File menu, then select Page Setup and choose Landscape. If you want to print a single article rather than the entire issue, you must copy and paste the article into a word document.

- Stephen L. Sokolow, Executive Director

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Saying Grace
By PAUL D. HOUSTON

An Attitude of Gratitude
By STEPHEN SOKOLOW

Two Years to 2012
By ADAM SOKOLOW

No Ordinary Children
By DOMENICO PIAZZA

Healing and Gratitude
By PETER and ANNE SELBY

Gratitude for Options in Clothes and in Life
By BEA MAH HOLLAND

The Benefits of Counting One’s Blessings
BY CLAIRE SHEFF KOHN

Reflecting
By KATHLEEN ALFIERO

A Grateful Hymn
By MAYBETH CONWAY

Have an Attitude of Gratitude
By TOM VONA

Opening Doors
By CHRISTA METZGER

Gratitude Large and Small
By ROBERT W. COLE

Letters to the Editor
From Our Readers

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Saying Grace
By PAUL D. HOUSTON

  Dr. Paul. D. Houston
  Dr. Paul D. Houston
Founding Partner

One evening when I was about 8 years old we had company for dinner and my mother asked me to say grace. Now I had the standard prayer memorized: “God is great, God is good, and we thank Him for our food. By His hands we all are fed; give us Lord our daily bread.” Except on this particular evening I was really hungry, so I said the grace with warp speed. When I finished my mother said, “Paul David, you went so fast I couldn’t understand a word you said.” I replied, “Mother, I wasn’t talking to you.”

Aside from demonstrating that at a relatively young age I was already a smartass, this story holds a bigger truth or two. When you are being grateful, it is always good to know whom you are being grateful to. Saying—or attaining—grace is not a spectator sport. You have to be engaged.

My other main point is that we call our thanks for food “grace.” I have to say I love the word “grace.” One of my favorite songs is “Amazing Grace.” Grace is a state we seek, but don’t always find. In religious circles it means the “unmerited favor of God.” In other words, grace is something we don’t deserve or merit but God grants it to us anyway. Of course, there is one surefire way to earn a state of grace, and that is to grant it to others. For if we can ask God for unmerited favor, surely we can dispense the same to our fellow human beings.

When Steve and I wrote about the concept of gratitude, we spoke of creating an “attitude of gratitude.” By that we meant trying to live each day with a sense that we are favored and that we must show gratitude in every way possible. And if we are favored, shouldn’t we then favor others? The notion of “unconditional love” comes from this same place. There is nothing better to receive than unconditional love. But if we want it, we must first grant it to others. The whole notion here is that what you give you get—even when you don’t deserve it. Most of us know that is true for negative things, but we aren’t so clear that it works in a positive way, all around us all the time.

I live in the Southwest now, where Spanish is spoken, and I recently had the opportunity to travel to Italy. It struck me that in Spanish “Thank you” is “Gracias” and in Italian it’s “Gratzie.” Both of these words literally mean “Grace.” When we give thanks we are really offering grace. So while that little prayer I blitzed out in my home when I was 8 may have lost something in translation, the important thing is that I said it and meant it and I knew to whom I was sending it.

There is a sense in some religions that we are all God—that each of us is made up of “God stuff” and that we are all a part of God and that our actions should be God-like. I don’t pretend to know how all this works—it is way above my pay grade. But I do know that if you want to feel at least a little God-like it means that you have to give thanks and offer grace to others and that the “unmerited favor” you are seeking will come back to you in spades.

(Oh, and thank you for reading this.)

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An Attitude of Gratitude
By STEPHEN L. SOKOLOW

  Dr. Stephen L. Sokolow
  Dr. Stephen L. Sokolow
Executive Director and Founding Partner

Have an Attitude of Gratitude. What a great adage! I first heard it when I was learning to be a Reiki practitioner almost 15 years ago. Reiki is a form of spiritual energy that promotes healing and a sense of well-being. Because it has been such a positive force in my life, I am truly grateful to Djuna Wojton, a Reiki Master, who introduced me to Reiki and trained me to become a Reiki Master in my own right. Both Djuna and I are grateful to Dr. Mikao Usui, who is credited with rediscovering Reiki in the mid 19th century.

Among other things, Reiki is a practice that fosters healing and spiritual growth. I think of it as a spiritual technology that, interestingly, does not require any particular belief system or ideology. That said, there are five principles associated with Reiki. The first of these is Have an Attitude of Gratitude. One of the ways that I honor the gift of Reiki is to have an Attitude of Gratitude not just about Reiki but also about life in general.

Gratitude is a way of thinking, feeling, acting, and being. It is a powerful force that affects us both as givers and receivers. We long remember expressions of gratitude. Imagine what it would be like to live in a world without gratitude! Imagine what relationships would be like without feelings and expressions of gratitude. Regardless of our feelings and sensitivities, we can choose to become more grateful. We can choose to express gratitude more often to more people in ways large and small, for in large measure gratitude is a matter of choice. We each decide what we are grateful for. We each decide to whom or to what we are grateful and under what circumstances we will express it. Are we grateful to parents, children, teachers, friends, colleagues, business associates, and those who enrich our lives and light our way? Are we grateful for obstacles and adversaries? Are we grateful for challenges and opportunities? Are we grateful for second chances? Are we grateful for health, for a job, for the opportunity to earn a living, for humor and laughter, for the opportunity to help others? For air, water, sunlight, and the natural world? Are we grateful for life? And to whom or to what are we grateful?

Each of us decides where we will focus the energy of gratitude. We can focus on others, events, a higher power, or something more amorphous—Lady Luck, for example. We can do so silently in our hearts and minds, or we can express ourselves in a discernable way. I’m grateful that our country has a national holiday devoted to giving thanks. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. In our family we have a tradition of going around the table after our Thanksgiving feast and sharing what we are especially thankful for. This year I expressed gratitude for our two grandchildren, Gabrielle and Sebastien, who are a continual source of joy and delight. Next I focused on another source of family joy: our son Brian’s recent marriage to Barbara Grinspan. My devoted wife Laney and I are delighted that Barb has joined our family as a new daughter.

This brings to mind something else for which I’m especially thankful. Brian’s full name is Brian L. Sokolow. Where did the “L.” come from? I was 33 when Brian was born. Laney and I selected Lee as Brian’s middle name to honor my mentor, Professor Lee Olson. Brian is now 33 and during this past Thanksgiving Lee Olson was in hospice care. It was clear that he was in the last stage of his life and had only days or, at most, weeks to live. So around the Thanksgiving table I expressed my gratitude for the blessing that Lee Olson has been and is to me and to our entire family. Lee knew that he was dying. He asked me and my son Brian Lee to speak at the celebration of his life. When he passed on a few weeks later, it was our honor to do so. It was a time for the ultimate expression of gratitude.

Lee had been a guiding light in my life for 42 years. Over the years our relationship had evolved from the formal ones of master’s advisor, intern advisor, and doctoral advisor, to a dear friend who was like a second father to me. Lee Olson was a blessing in my life and I told him so. He was an uncommonly good and wise man. His influence on my professional, personal, and spiritual growth was profound and enduring. In many ways, by example, he taught me how to live and, ultimately, how to die. Despite his failing health and imminent death, he maintained his good sense of humor, focus on others, and gratitude toward life. In fact, before his health began to deteriorate he was planning a seminar on the power of gratitude for the members of his retirement community. Lee Olson had an Attitude of Gratitude.

Some people have the vision and ability to light the way for others. What made Lee Olson so special is that he could do it for so many people in countless ways. I once told him that I was deeply indebted to him for all the things he did to enhance my life but that I felt frustrated because I couldn’t think of a way to adequately repay him. To which he responded, “Repay me by passing it along to as many people in as many ways as you can.” In the spirit of all great teachers, he challenged me to follow his example and share the principles he lived and taught.

Forty-two years ago this remarkable man entered my life. Call it good fortune, karma, synchronicity, grace, or a blessing. The entire trajectory of my life was positively affected by this extraordinary man. I feel a deep and abiding sense of love and gratitude for him, his wife Mimi, and ultimately to God for this blessing.

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Two Years to 2012
By ADAM SOKOLOW

  Adam Sokolow
  Adam Sokolow
Senior Advisor

There’s a movie currently out titled 2012; the date is significant because it marks the end of the Mayan calendar. Only two years away, the year 2012 has become woven into our contemporary cultural mythology as some kind of apocalyptic endgame. Throw into the mix the predictions of Nostradamus, the Left Behind series of books, and the Book of Revelations, and it seems as if a lot of people throughout history have spent a lot of time telling themselves scary stories about big-time trouble for the people who live on the planet Earth.

Well, things do seem a little dicey out there right now, but if you haven’t noticed there’s nothing cosmic taking place—no comets seem to be headed our way, the world has yet to shift on its axis, there’s no otherworldly or spooky stuff on the front pages of our newspapers, just the same old time-worn nefarious character types with different names continually playing out their greedy power games on the world stage.

It is a bit unnerving that our world leaders failed to reach an accord on a positive course of action to deal with the fact that our planet is heating up. It’s a no-brainer to understand that at the root of all this is simply greed. After all, if you claim that humanity is not responsible for global warming, then we don’t have to do anything about it! It’s the same logic the insurance companies use to control costs: not responsible for acts of God. For if God causes some really nasty stuff to happen, no one has to pay. Tornado? Not covered; God did it. Earthquake? Not covered; again it’s God’s fault. I guess global warming is also God’s fault. In any event, if it’s an act of God or an act of Mother Nature, according to that train of logic, we humans don’t have to take any responsibility for it, and therefore we don’t have to do anything about it. Nothing to do—no cost. C’est la vie!

Well, even if our leaders don’t seem to be too worried about such real looming catastrophes as global warming, people have always been preoccupied with imaginary end-of-the-world scenarios. The year 1000 was a real scary one; everyone thought that year was definitely the end of time, and that was a long time ago. So what’s going on here?

I believe it has to do with the power of myth to capture our imaginations. Myths are stories that we tell ourselves to try to give meaning and context to the vast experience of our life on this planet. One myth that underpins our modern culture is that science will ultimately be able to solve all of our problems. The ancient Greeks really did believe that the son of Zeus pulled the sun across the sky. I like that story, but I really don’t believe it’s true—and this is the important point. I’m not emotionally invested in the notion that there is a deity pulling the sun across the sky each day. But how many people are actually emotionally invested in the myths that foretell the end of the world?

It seems to me that there are two competing, overarching, trans-cultural meta-mythologies that have been going head-to-head ever since people have been trying to understand themselves and the trajectory of history. They are the mythological stories that are centered on hope, love, and light—for instance, the Christmas story that foretells of peace on earth and goodwill toward men, and another that depicts the promising future of the coming of the Age of Aquarius. And then there are the polar opposites of such stories, which constellate around fear, shadow, and death. As far as I’m concerned, the people who embrace the negative mythologies do so because they are emotionally unbalanced and are projecting their own inadequacies out into the world, doing their level best to bring about their own self-fulfilling, self-destructive prophecies.

I have a simple, straightforward belief that’s part of my personal mythology, and it comes from the biblical story of Genesis: God made the heavens and the earth and said, “It is good.” God made humanity and also said He was pleased with what He had done. God was happy with what He did. And that works for me too.

Let’s not try to blame God or Mother Nature for our own human failings. The blame rests squarely on those unbalanced, self-serving leaders and their supporters, who, because of their shortsightedness and greed, just can’t seem to bring themselves to do the right things so the rest of us can go on living in peace and enjoy our lives.

So what can we do? First and foremost, don’t believe them! Don’t buy into their twisted, fear-based mythologies. Draw your line in the sand and commit yourself to life, which is all about healing, love, and light, here and now.

In this regard, we can draw on the experience of one of the world’s foremost psychoanalysts, the eminent Dr. Carl Jung, who shared his thoughts about what he believed was one of the most important operative principles involved in his ability to heal the wounded minds of his patients. He basically said this: More often than not, his abilities as a doctor to have a positive effect on his patients turned on the health, strength, and stability of his own psyche. So let’s scale this principle up. Be clear and strong about who you are and what you believe and you will most certainly have a positive influence on other people around you.

The world is made up of close to 7 billion individuals, each of us making sense of life through our own personal mythological storyline. Collectively we make up the human race, and whether the human race will have a positive future or not really depends how many of us are truly grounded in hope, love, and light.

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  Domenico Piazza
  Domenico Piazza
Senior Associate

A long time ago a quote I had copied from an Annie Dillard novel got stuffed away in an old folder. I found it today and tried to recall what exactly I was thinking and doing when I recorded it. Dillard wrote: “No child on earth was ever meant to be ordinary, and you can see it in them, and they wear out their brains learning what folks expect, and spend their strength trying to rise over those same folks.”

I am grateful for the many unordinary children I have met in my life. They cross my path and unwittingly shift my complacency, open up my perspective anew, and leave me feeling a sense of awe. When I reread Dillard’s quote I started thinking about the army of young people I’ve worked with over four decades. I wanted to remember the ones who struck me as extraordinary, different, and even quirky, and the ones who stopped me in my tracks simply by being who they were, or by what they saw that I had forgotten or overlooked in becoming an adult.

My years with middle/high schoolers placed me in the center of that transitional time when our brains are awash in hormones, sending us into alien orbits of confusion. It was easy to recall my own journey as I watched their swinging moods and frustrations, their posturing and retreats into safety, their bravado, and their sudden bursts of excitement. Like them, I had no idea my brain was going through its second biggest change since the age of 2. The world was indeed altering the reality I had grown comfortable with. Every day, I watched their struggle to shake off childhood and then fiercely (and futilely) grasp after it. I am grateful to have been reminded of that time in my life.

It’s an old adult habit to categorize young people. We see in them echoes of mistakes we’ve made and often intervene to “prevent” them from going the wrong way. We make up our minds that a child is clever, or spoiled, or slow to learn. How we arrive at these judgments is unclear. Yet we persist in our notion that a child or, for that matter, any human can so easily be summed up by a few labels. Too often this is a harmful practice. Many students I’ve known now “own” the stories some teacher or authority figure once thrust upon them. It has become their “reality,” and is not easily erased.

Adults need to keep in mind that there should no longer be any difference between what we teach and what we are. This requires that teachers attain intellectual, personal, and spiritual maturity. Developing teachers to reach these goals is, unfortunately, not a common concern in our institutions of teacher preparation or in the school workplace. It is, however, conversations embedded in reality and compassion that will allow teachers to connect with students. In order to change institutions, we must first seek to change those in charge.

The young people who have shifted my perception have, unwittingly, provided the most profound lessons I needed to learn in order to become the teacher they were ready for. Almost all the names of these students have vanished from my memory, yet their imprint lives on. I started a gratitude list of the moments of enlightenment delivered to me over the years. The list represents some of what I learned from kids. They have since become my own personal guidance system when I think about schools and parenting.

My Gratitude List, or Some Things I Learned from Young People

1. Listening to young people is important to them and informative for us.

2. Discovery comes naturally to children and requires, at best, encouragement and resources.

3. What interests children can become the basis for all the work we do together.

4. Diversity in learning styles, dominant intelligences, left/right modalities are as real as rain.

5. Play is a powerful process that can support learning and the joy of life.

6. Young people learn more without direct instruction than with it.

7. Boy energy and girl energy are often expressed differently.

8. Learning is primarily a social act and needs to be functional.

9. Experience helps us articulate meaning.

10. Abstractions (words and numbers) should always refer to real experience.

11. Experience turns on emotions and kinesthetic activity, both central to learning.

12. Getting students to teach others helps increase their own retention.

13. All children have the gift of intelligence; the question is “What kind?”

4. Learners are on a path of mastery. They need the right support along that path, not grades that attempt to quantify each step along the way.

15. Feedback that provides information for improvement is necessary for learning.

16. Grades become judgments in the eyes of young people that say something about them personally, rather than about their level of mastery.

17. All students need to know how what we’re teaching them will help them in real life; teachers must know too.

18. We let kids down when we neglect their civic education. Learning to be compassionate and empathetic human beings is the core of liberal education.

19. The absence of social and emotional learning leaves our students in limbo. We can help train them to respond to negative pressures and destructive emotions in a positive and productive manner.

20. Children flourish when we pay attention to their positive traits. Currently, we focus on negative ones: what’s wrong, where’s the mistake?

“At its deepest reaches, knowing is always communal.”—Parker Palmer

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Healing and Gratitude
By PETER and ANNE SELBY

  Laney Sokolow
  Peter and Anne Selby
Guest Contributors

This short essay is the first contribution to a new department in the Lens that examines the theme of the current issue from the perspective of healing. We might call this the Lens on Healing.

Healing can apply to individuals, organizations, and even whole societies. As soon as the scope is expanded to the group level, it becomes obvious that healing involves a change of ideas and practices. Organizations that keep doing the same thing based on the same old ideas and suppositions predictably keep getting the same outcomes. This is equally true at the individual level, but somehow people tend to take healing for granted, showing little or no concern for what created the disease. Actually, the miracle of healing occurs when true growth and positive life changes take place in response to a crisis. “Doctor, just give me a pill” most often fails as a long-term strategy for health.

Let’s focus the Lens on Healing on the topic of this issue: Gratitude. We all know the saying “Easy come, easy go.” When a gift is received without being truly valued, the care of the gift tends to be neglected. Money gifted to the unappreciative can come and go so quickly it can make a rushing sound! By contrast, deep gratitude is a good indication that a gift has been valued, possibly to be treasured for a long time to come. It’s similar with healing. A person may receive effective treatment for a certain condition or disease and maintain exactly the same thought patterns and behaviors that gave rise to the disease in the first place. In such cases, most people know intuitively that typically the ante is simply upped another notch. Nothing has been learned, and so the universe gives the person a stronger message—progressing from mild health problems to larger challenges. Along the way there are opportunities for the person to learn a lesson that can lead to new insights and behaviors. But these opportunities are often neglected in favor of a quick fix.

If something is out of balance in a person’s life—for instance, a bad habit like burning the candle at both ends in the pursuit of late-night activities—the first message might come as a cold, flu, or persistent fatigue. Going to bed to convalesce provides an opportunity for self-reflection and connecting the dots behind the sickness. A person may gripe about being sick and grudgingly make a sickbed vow to change the perceived cause, but more often than not the old behaviors will tend to reappear when the symptoms have abated. In the end, little may have been learned. So a thoughtful person might ask, What is the missing ingredient in this equation that would take the healing deeper and lead to lasting change?

Gratitude turns out to be key—not just in being thankful for the healing when it has occurred, but for the original challenge itself, which can help to unfold the meaning of it all. Being thankful is a choice that triggers a hidden power arising in the human heart that helps people maintain equilibrium throughout the vicissitudes of life.

Stop here for a moment and consider the actual mechanism at hand. It’s not to ignore or make little of the difficult facts of a given situation. Choosing to be grateful in everything is to acknowledge the unseen benevolent intelligence operating behind the scenes. We can swim against the current, or respond optimally to what is. You can’t always control what takes place in life, but you can choose to be more conscious. It’s taking the opportunity to stop and ask what wants to change so that healing can occur at the deepest level. Gratitude for the specific difficulty or limitation is the portal into the profound wisdom of the soul and can be the very pivot and point of healing—the meaning behind it all. This applies to the little challenges and also the big ones like a terminal diagnosis, bereavement, divorce, or loss of one’s livelihood.

An example comes from the life of a client who had recovered from a near-death experience. Suffering cardiac arrest while at home, he had fallen on the dining room floor to the utter shock of his wife, who was with him at the time. He later told of floating out of his body and watching from the ceiling as paramedics ushered his wife out of the room and began administering CPR. No sooner did he take pity on his wife, thinking “Poor Beth,” than the defibrillator started his heart again; he regained consciousness soon thereafter. Like so many others experiencing a near-death event, he took a good look at the sacrifices required to maintain his expensive lifestyle, with the big house and all the materialistic trimmings. Taking stock of what really mattered, he sold most of his possessions, moved into a modest home, and concentrated on deepening his relationship with his wife and children and grandchildren. He explained that he was extremely thankful to have had the opportunity to come back and make these course adjustments to his life, and not to have floated out of his body for good or died years later with an empty feeling to take with him as he passed over. This man’s crisis proved to be a life healing, which was empowered through his gratitude and his search to find deeper meaning.

So gratitude itself is a very potent pill that doesn’t come out of the laboratory of Big Pharma but rather the foundry of our soul, deep within the heart. The medical regimen of “two capsules three times a day” can apply just as effectively to doses of gratitude. Stop every so often and focus on finding the meaning behind your current challenges; if it is not apparent, “fake it until you make it” by paying homage to the principle of gratitude as the perennial healer. Let the universe and the people around you know that you are thankful for everything difficult in your life, affirming that there is a gift in it all, whether or not you have found it yet. And even if you haven’t, the chances are that in your state of gratefulness, it will sneak up on you when you’re not looking. The lights may suddenly go on and the matter will start to sort itself out in your mind as if by magic, facilitating clear-minded effective responses and deep peace.

VISIT PETER AND ANNE SELBY'S WEBSITE

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Gratitude for Options in Clothes and in Life
By BEA MAH HOLLAND

  Bea Mah Holland
 

Bea Mah Holland
Founding Partner and Executive Coach

I, Bea, have been well served by a wonderful women’s consignment store, Options, whose biggest attraction is the appropriately named owner, Angela. She has truly been an angel to several in my circle of friends and relatives; all of us benefit from her discerning eye, her forthrightness, and her bountiful supply of beautiful clothing at a fraction of the cost of new clothing.

My initial ambivalence about secondhand clothing had its origins in childhood. Only hand-me-downs from relatives were acceptable—otherwise, as my mother taught me, “You don’t know who wore them before and what diseases they might have had.” Before I learned about Options, I stuck to a few favorite stores with my best friend Celia, as we generally scurried by “gently used clothing” places. And, though I’m not proud of this, I am sure that unconsciously I had developed the sense that I had risen above the need to “lower myself” to purchase secondhand garments—secondhand of course signifying “second best” to me.

However, after reticently accepting the suggestion of a well-dressed colleague who acts as a consultant to high-powered global executives, I made a dramatic and enduring shift. While not a clotheshorse, I know that I am at my best when I can forget about my appearance and so be fully present. Angela has been able to stretch me out of my comfort zone to becoming maximally gorgeous, and I now feel like one of her customized creations. She has selected items for me that I would never have considered, and vetoed other pieces in which I thought I looked quite “glam.” I inevitably leave her shop with my wallet still intact—yet knowing that I have become a little closer to expressing myself.

In a recent conversation with my friend Carolyn Muise, during which we reflected on options in both clothing and in life, she agreed to add her voice to this article. We are both very much aware of how we sometimes feel victimized—even paralyzed—when we can’t see that we have options, yet know how quickly that feeling changes if we choose to exercise even minute options beyond our habituated patterns. While several conditions are necessary to produce growth, the most important lever to enable me to think and behave differently is the support that I get from people whom I trust deeply. I am certain that such support is the “difference that makes the difference” in my life. What follows are some of Carolyn’s insights.

I, Carolyn, want to share some of my lessons learned and the values I have acquired over the past couple of decades. I am quite fortunate to have been blessed with several good qualities and a wide range of skills that have assisted me throughout the stages of my life. I realize now that successful people don’t learn as much from their wins as they do from their mistakes—and, in some cases, their losses. The importance of learning from one’s mistakes and the ability to leverage those lessons learned has enabled me to grow as a person and as a leader. It took me several years to understand the importance of self-reflection—to embrace the opportunity to learn from the outcome of my choices and to evaluate my options carefully before making decisions. After making decisions, it is important to review the outcome and to evaluate whether you could have reacted differently or picked another option—in order to improve the end result if you are blessed with the opportunity to try again another time.

As I grew personally and professionally, I realized that it is more beneficial to focus on the positive, and that each of us has options and choices that we need to be accountable for and that only we can alter in future dealings. Only when I understood how to broaden my options to get positive, productive results did the return on my investment begin to show. Although it is difficult to understand why we have to deal with certain scenarios in our lives, I realize now that the quicker we accept these scenarios and begin to deal with them, the quicker we will learn, grow, and mature. These lessons learned were just the beginning of the process to lay out the stepping-stones necessary to cope with the challenges and obstacles that life sets in front of each and every one of us.

There were many instances in my life, both personally and professionally, where I felt shortchanged and didn’t understand why things were the way they were, and why certain people seemed to have an easier path. I would waste time and energy dwelling on things I couldn’t change and would regret the cards that had been dealt to me. Finally I came to realize that investing energy and emotional resources in things I couldn’t control was a waste of my personal resources. It was then that I understood the importance of focusing my energy on things I could control, areas that I could positively affect—and that only then would I reap the desired return.

This was a new beginning for me: the time when I learned the most and began to reap quicker returns on each small investment. I now appreciate and value the importance of options and their impact on decisions. I now understand why older people say that youth is wasted on the young. I only hope that I can share with my children the lessons I learned over the past twenty years, and I pray that they can learn through my experience and benefit earlier in their lives.

Finally, I want to testify how important it is to pick a business buddy, mentor, or coach that you can work with who will provide you the necessary feedback to become a better, more well-rounded individual. I have been fortunate to have spent time with several coaches; I have embraced their feedback, insight, and guidance—all of which have enabled me to become a more effective leader, mentor, mother, friend, and wife. I have learned so much about myself as a person and have identified areas where simple modifications in my approach and interactions with others have created better results. I’ve learned that it’s not about changing who one is; it’s about embracing who we are and building a more rounded skill set to become an even better person. Fortunately, my relationship with a specific coach has flourished into a friendship and helped me build a bridge to opening up new areas of opportunities and creating options never previously considered. I know now that all the decisions that I have made and the options I have chosen in my past have created who I am today.

Both of us, Carolyn and Bea, are grateful for the options that emerged through our conversations, as well as from other relationships with friends, family, and colleagues. Our willingness to reach out to these contacts and openly listen to their suggestions, as well as valuing our personal insights to consider which particular option would work best in any given situation, has enriched our lives immeasurably. We are overwhelmed with gratitude, appreciation, and thankfulness for these relationships and appreciate the positive influence they have brought to our lives, including a heightened awareness of our strengths and our capacity to contribute to the world. We cherish these relationships and will continue to leverage them and our continued lessons learned to become even better versions of ourselves, both personally and professionally.

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The Benefits of Counting One’s Blessings
By CLAIRE SHEFF-KOHN

  Claire Sheff-Kohn
 

Claire Sheff-Kohn
Senior Associate and Mentor

Blessings crown the head of the righteous. — Proverbs 10:6

I don’t remember when I first heard the adage “Count your blessings,” or from whom I first heard it. Parents, teachers, clergy, or maybe all the above? I do know it was hard-wired into my psyche at an early age, and I suspect the same is true for many Lens readers. I know I should be more thankful, more grateful for life and its blessings, large and small. I’m not really a “glass half empty” kind of person; it’s just that I am not as faithful to the notion of counting my blessings as I should be, and sometimes tend to see more of what’s gone awry or what’s lacking. I have to admit I’m amazed by (and maybe even a little envious of) those who can see not only their blessings, but also the silver linings in their challenges. And new research seems to indicate that such individuals may be onto something, to which all of us, myself included, need to pay closer attention.

"We are what we think. All that we are arises from our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. It is good to control them, and to master them brings happiness. But how subtle they are. How elusive! The task is to quiet them, and by ruling them find happiness." — Buddha

Counting one’s blessings, or gratitude, has long been an underpinning of religious teachings and philosophical theories. In his radio broadcast, “The Osgood File,” Charles Osgood reported, “From Cicero to Buddha, many philosophers and spiritual teachers have celebrated gratitude. The world’s major religions, including Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and Hinduism, prize gratitude as a morally beneficial emotional state that encourages reciprocal kindness.” Osgood went on to say, “Pastors, priests, parents, and grandparents have long extolled the virtues of gratitude, but until recently, scholars have largely ignored it as a subject of scientific inquiry.” He identified two researchers—Michael McCullough, professor of psychology at Southern Methodist University, and Robert Emmons, professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis—as being pioneers in researching this new topic of inquiry.

In previous Lens articles, I have referenced the Positive Psychology movement, which has seen tremendous growth over the past decade, and which focuses on what promotes health and well-being rather than on what creates disease. In particular, I discussed happiness and the role gratitude plays in feeling more fulfilled and connected—in short, feeling happier. In the book Happier, author and Harvard professor Tal Be-Shahar briefly pointed to McCullough and Emmons’ seminal work on the benefits of expressing gratitude. If one goes directly to McCullough and Emmons, one finds that they are focused on “two main lines of inquiry at the present time: 1) developing methods to cultivate gratitude in daily life and assess gratitude’s effect on well-being, and 2) developing a measure to reliably assess individual differences in dispositional gratefulness.” Some of their findings include the following:

• Those who expressed gratitude in weekly journals exercised more, had fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives overall, and were more likely to attain personal goals.

• Children who are engaged in grateful thinking have more positive feelings about school and family.

• Grateful people have a higher tendency to see the interconnectedness of all life and a commitment and responsibility to others.

In the Osgood broadcast, McCullough also said that gratitude works independently of faith. As noted above, gratitude plays a part in most religions, but their research indicated “the benefits extend to the general population, regardless of faith or lack thereof.”

As 2010 begins, I considered all the things I’d like to change in my life and for which I might make a New Year’s resolution. I decided to keep it simple: write a gratitude journal.

"If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul." — Rabbi Harold Kushner

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Reflecting
By KATHLEEN ALFIERO

  Kathleen Alfiero
 

Kathleen Alfiero
Associate

I believe that focusing on what we appreciate is transformative. For me, this process has been life-changing.

First and foremost, I appreciate myself. A lot has been said about how important it is to value oneself, but I really get it now. I had an awake-type dream the other night and heard these words: “Because I am worthy, I allow my dreams to come to me.”

As a child, I knew down deep that I was a good person. I felt special. But, like all kids, I would easily question myself and was vulnerable to what adults and other kids thought of me. When I was in sixth grade, I stood at the front of the room as my teacher, Mr. Higgins, critiqued my performance as the lead in our first tape-recorder play. I sucked it up for the first few minutes before I ran from the room crying, vowing that never again would I star in anything! For the most part, though, I thought I was pretty smart, quite funny (I got lots of laughs), and I cared a lot about other people.

The first job I had that I felt exuberant about was when I worked in early childhood education. After initially being turned down for the position of child-care supervisor, I called Betty, director of the Children’s Center, seven times before she finally understood that I was her best choice! I was obsessed. I had to do whatever it took to be with children. I think it was the first time I wore my imaginary “No Shame” sign on my forehead. I’m amazed at how determined I was and, upon reflection, how much my desire to work at that place formed my life and the contributions I am most proud of. (Choosing to bring my son into the world, of course, will always be my greatest gift.)

My career in education continued for over 20 years. I worked in a public high school as a teacher and, later, as a substance abuse counselor. I loved every minute I spent with the kids. How did I know to listen to my inner guidance to create a life that would make me happy? I must be clear: Working in a school certainly wasn’t boring or uneventful. I used to say it was like living episodes of “Magnum P.I.”! But thank goodness for the pain-in-the-neck experiences. They are the ones that have helped me the most to become a better person.

Years ago, I remember being asked, “What makes you happy?” I used to calmly answer, “I’m happy when everyone I love is happy.” Well, no wonder I had so many uncomfortable moments! It doesn’t make sense to wait for everyone to feel good before I can allow myself to. Some people call that co-dependence. I thought I was just being nice. I am grateful that I have finally figured that one out, though I admit that I still get messed up about it at times. But I’m aware of my feelings; when I don’t feel good, I clean up my thinking.

These days, I’m telling the new story of my life, and it has a lot to do with appreciation. Things are going well for me; my dreams are coming true. I’m getting better at not using other people’s behaviors as my excuse to not feel good myself. In fact, when I’m really doing well, everyone else’s choices and behaviors are none of my business. (Except what Tiger Woods does.) I work at focusing on what I like about others instead of being critical or judgmental. (I sincerely wish Tiger well.)

Here’s a short story to illustrate my point. I came home recently from visiting my mother in the nursing home. I had spent two fabulous hours with her and the other amazing people she shares her days with. I was joyful.

When I walked into the house, I sensed that my husband Nick seemed a little bit “off.” He was friendly to me, but his hello was not as warm as usual. I said, “Hi! What’s up with you?” “Nothing much,” he said quickly as he was taking the groceries out of the bags. (After more than 30 years, I am still in awe that Nick does the shopping and the cooking!) I was settling in when he stated, “I wanted to work at my desk when I got home, and your things were all over it.” There it was: what was really going on with him.

My “Old Story”:

At this point, I would have said good-bye to my joyful feelings. My stomach would be tight and I would feel defensive, likely demonstrated by a sarcastic remark (under my breath, of course). I’d be a victim of his “silly” problem. I would walk away from him frustrated but a little pleased with myself because I’m not like that.

My “New Story”:

I said lightheartedly, “I’ll go move my things.” I felt happy and amazingly not affected by my husband’s complaints. I cleaned my stuff off his desk. (There’s a little “Old Story” left in me—it wasn’t that bad!)

As I was changing into my comfortable at-home clothes, Nick came upstairs. “I guess I’m making a big deal about nothing,” he confessed. “I wonder why I’ve always been fussy about not wanting anyone to touch my things.”

“I understand,” I admitted. “I’m doing everything I can to pay attention to the things that don’t work for me anymore, too.” We moved around each other quietly. It seemed that we were both thinking that we have always had a choice about how we feel and react to each other.

I love that I am curious about the meaning of life and that I intend to become all that I can be. I am thankful that my husband is willing to grow and change for his own sake. Individually and together, we’re happier than ever!

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A Grateful Hymn
By MAYBETH CONWAY

  Maybeth Conway
  Maybeth Conway
Senior Associate

Two months ago, Steve Sokolow contacted each of the contributors to give us the focus for this edition. When I learned that our topic was gratitude, I was initially elated—I am, by nature, a pretty grateful soul. We were also entering into the holiday season, when gratitude and good will tend to flourish. Surely, I thought, with a bit of reading and quiet reflection, grateful inspiration would flow.

Not so. The more I turned my thoughts to the notion of gratitude, the more challenging this topic seemed to become. Oh, I had lots of ideas, but every time I approached my laptop, those ideas and my grateful heart betrayed me. What I was hoping to convey was something fresh, novel, and insightful. What I repeatedly created was stale, hackneyed, and trite. As my frustration escalated, my gratitude for this topic evaporated. I would gladly have skipped this issue.

Then Thanksgiving weekend rolled around. I spent the holiday with my brother and his family in Concord, Massachusetts, where colonial spirit runs high and our family celebration is heavy on tradition. My day began with a special Thanksgiving church service. I was eager to give thanks for the many blessings that I’d experienced during the past year. And, truth be told, I was secretly hoping that the sermon would provide some much-needed inspiration on the topic of gratitude.

Not so, unfortunately. The service was quite lovely, but as we stood for the closing hymn, I wasn’t one bit closer to finding a focus for my article. Inwardly I resigned myself to continuing to search and turned my attention to an unfamiliar song titled “For the Fruits of This Creation,” by Fred Pratt Green.

Here it was! In this simple hymn, sung to the tune of the familiar old Welsh lullaby “All Through the Night,” by Sir Harold Boulton, I found the words that spoke to me. With great respect for the diverse religious traditions and personal beliefs of each of our readers, I humbly share the lyrics of this hymn that so purely and simply captures the spirit of gratitude:

For the Fruits of This Creation
By Fred Pratt Green

For the fruit of all creation,
thanks be to God.
Gifts bestowed on every nation,
thanks be to God.
For the plowing, sowing, reaping,
silent growth while we are sleeping,
future needs in earth’s safekeeping,
thanks be to God.

In the just reward of labor,
God’s will is done.
In the help we give our neighbor,
God’s will is done.
In our worldwide task of caring
for the hungry and despairing,
in the harvests we are sharing,
God’s will is done.

For the harvests of the Spirit,
thanks be to God.
For the good we all inherit,
thanks be to God.
For the wonders that astound us,
for the truths that still confound us,
most of all that love has found us,
thanks be to God.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

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Have an Attitude of Gratitude
By TOM VONA

  Tom Vona
 

Tom Vona
Senior Associate
and Mentor

I first came upon the adage Have an attitude of gratitude quite a few years ago through my close association with Steve Sokolow. It is something that has stuck with me ever since then and something that I have incorporated into my daily prayers. I have always had a great deal to be thankful for; the older I get, the more I realize that. I have been truly blessed by a wonderful, loving family; a successful, rewarding career; true friends; and a second chance as far as my health is concerned.

Recently an honor was bestowed upon me which made me feel both honored and humbled and for which I definitely have an attitude of gratitude. I served as principal of Allentown High School from 1988-1999. Last year the school instituted the Allentown High School Hall of Fame Lifetime Achievement Award for distinguished alumni and former staff members. Two to four alumni and one former staff member are selected each year. I was the staff member selected for this honor this year, along with two very successful alumni—one a member of the class of 1946 and the other from the class of 1953. I found out that I was nominated by a parent, which in itself was quite an honor since I retired as principal of AHS ten years ago.

From early in my career as a teacher, my goal was to become a high school principal, and I had served in administration for a little over three years when I became principal of Allentown High School. From my perspective, Allentown was a perfect fit for me, and my years at Allentown were the happiest and most productive of my entire career in education. To have those years recognized by being named to the AHS Hall of Fame was an honor I never expected and one that left me filled with gratitude for the people who helped me achieve my goal in the first place.

In The Spiritual Dimension of Leadership, in the chapter devoted to gratitude, Paul Houston and Steve Sokolow discuss gratitude in myriad ways. In one of their lists titled “Suggestions for Action,” they advise: “Recall people in your life who helped you cultivate your gifts and talents, and then express your gratitude.” When I think of those people, I have to start with my parents who, through their example and support, helped me to become the person I am today. They didn’t have much in the way of education or worldly possessions, but they had so much love, generosity, and goodness to give. I had many wonderful teachers through the years; two in particular had a great impact on the career path I chose. One was my high school history teacher, Mr. Miller, who made history come alive for me and played a large role in my decision to become a history teacher. Another was an English teacher, Mr. Terranova, who also was the advisor to the Student Council, and who helped me develop any leadership potential I possessed at that time.

When I moved into my career in educational administration, I had two very important mentors. One was Judith Weiss, who gave me my first opportunity in supervision/administration. If it weren’t for her, I may never have had the chance to enter this field. She took a chance on me, as I had no prior experience, and then worked with me closely through my first supervisory position. She then promoted me to an administrative position when one became available in several months. She is also the person who told me I was ready to be a high school principal a little more than three years after I had begun to work with her; she encouraged me to apply for the principal’s position that was available at Allentown High School. Her belief in me played a very large role in my future success.

This position at Allentown was the first principal’s position for which I applied. Steve Sokolow was the superintendent, and from the first moment I saw him walking down the hall to bring me into the conference room for that initial interview, I felt a connection with him. This began a relationship where he became not only my direct supervisor, but also my mentor and my friend. He too spent a great deal of time mentoring me. While he offered his advice and his wisdom, I felt from the very beginning that he trusted me and had faith in me. As the months passed, this feeling increased and my confidence grew. We functioned quite successfully as a team during the 11 years we worked together, and I owe him a great deal. As I told him when I learned of my recent award, it was really something that I shared with him because he gave me the opportunity in the first place and then provided me with the support I needed to succeed.

When I think of having an attitude of gratitude, of course I think about my wife, my children, and my grandchildren. My wife Libby and I have been married for almost 42 years, and I don’t believe I would have had such a successful career without her love and support. We have always done everything as a team. When I was studying for my doctoral degree (after we already had two children), she was the one who had to sacrifice to make sure I had the time and the quiet space in which to study and do research. While I was pursuing my administrative career and working very long hours, she had the biggest share of the responsibility for our two teenage children. There aren’t enough words to express the gratitude that I feel for all that Libby has done to advance my career over the years. And, of course, that is just a small part of my gratitude for her.

Gratitude is a very strong feeling. It has been described as the “love and connection between people and the world.” For me, God definitely has played a very important part in all of this. I know that none of my success would have been possible without God. My feelings of gratitude were certainly there before I was recently honored in such a meaningful way, but it has been brought home to me even more forcefully how blessed and how fortunate I am to have so many wonderful people in my life who love me and who have been willing to help me achieve my life’s ambitions.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

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Opening Doors
By CHRISTA METZGER

  Christa Metzger
  Christa Metzger
Guest Contributor

The girl who was named after me 24 years ago is coming to visit us this summer. Christa, my dear namesake, has grown to be a beautiful woman, the first in her family to graduate from college, and now married to a special man and working with him to establish their own pizza restaurant in Salt Lake City!

I am deeply grateful to Mary, Christa’s mother, for opening a precious door for me and for her daughter. Mary was an eighth-grader in the school in Arizona where I was principal. It was my challenge to open a door for Mary as a troubled teenager so she could learn to believe in herself. This door had hinges that swung both ways. Young Christa began writing me when she was 10 years old, and we have been in touch ever since. I have become her special Aunt Christa and have been privileged to participate in the major events of her young life.

In anticipation of this special summer visit, I have found myself reflecting about opened doors in my own life. Maybe you want to ask yourself these same questions:

• Who has opened doors for me—both professionally and personally?

• For whom have I opened doors that created new vistas and opportunities?

• Have I been mindful of those who are standing before closed doors?

For me, the answer to the first question was easy—to find those without whose kind and courageous hands and hearts I would not be where, and what, I am today.

• It took a lot of trust for my elementary school teacher to allow me to write and direct a play for the whole school—all eight grades in my one-room country schoolhouse in Southern Germany.

• The courageous president of a small private junior college in Florida made an exception and allowed me to enroll without a high school diploma (there was no high school for me to attend as a child). I hope he felt rewarded when I graduated summa cum laude with a B.S. degree from the four-year college to which I later transferred.

• Hardly knowing me in his large graduate class on leadership, Kimball Wiles, dean of the College of Education at the University of Florida (and former president of ASCD, the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development), recommended and encouraged me to make a move to Gainesville, get my master’s degree, and teach at the University Laboratory School there.

As a woman in the (at that time) male world of school administration, I remember a few professional colleagues who mentored me and opened doors for me to become a principal and district superintendent:

• With immense kindness and expertise, my former school board president, Alfredo, helped me find my way through the labyrinth of small-town politics—and become more Mexican in spirit.

• My former administrative assistant, who adopted me as her mom, then later married and gave birth to Kyle, whom I now adore as his Oma. That’s definitely a door that swings both ways!

• My department chair at California State University, who believed in me and patiently guided me through the system—a vastly different landscape for me!—to become a full professor of educational leadership in the last decade of my career. (He has since retired to Virginia, and we have continued our friendship.)

I could go on and on. It is important to thank such important people whenever possible, and so I will thank one more: Bob Cole, for being a tough taskmaster in a Phi Delta Kappa summer writing workshop many years ago. Bob, thanks for opening the door to any future success I may have had as a writer! And thank you, Steve and Paul, for the invitation to join the awesome team of CFEL Associates!

The second and third questions I found more difficult to answer. How do we know for whom we have opened doors? Sometimes it seems like such a small act, and we don’t know if someone will even notice the glimpse of light we’re trying to let in. We hope that they will push the door open a little more to find their way. Sometimes we hear back from them later on, and sometimes we are privileged to be there with them when they catch sight of some new possibility.

Finally, regardless of all the doors I might have opened, I still agonize about those who stand and wait behind some door that I might have overlooked—or that maybe I even had an unwitting part in shutting in their faces. Perhaps that brown-eyed student just needed me to give her a bit more time and acknowledgment so she could make it out of the ghetto. Perhaps that teacher burned out because his creative methods weren’t appreciated or guided in a sterile political environment. I think, too, of those in communities of poverty who have nobody near them to show them any doors at all!

Let’s focus with gratitude on doors that are opened by friends, family, colleagues, and the writers of poems and great books. Each blesses us with some new way of thinking and relating, and helps us toward greater fulfillment of our life’s purpose.

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Gratitude Large and Small
By ROBERT W. COLE

  Robert W. Cole
 

Robert W. Cole
Managing Editor
and Senior Associate

As my brother once observed, I don’t take much for granted. I’m grateful for little things; I appreciate moments. And I’ve realized that when I give thanks, when I express gratitude—whether for large things or small—I’m near the very heart of life.

One major example—for me, at least: Separation from those I love most of all, my three daughters and my son, has played a terribly large part in my life. Consequently, for more than 30 years every minute of my precious time with my children has been a blessing for which I’m ceaselessly grateful.

Another, earthier example: My only sibling—my dear, irascible, hilarious brother John—has no kidneys. Now 60, he has endured thrice-weekly dialysis, and literally countless surgeries, for decades. His body looks like, and is, a battle zone. Every time I pee I give thanks for being able to do so.

Those are big things, you may say—of course anyone would feel grateful for such gifts. Possibly so—I do hope so. In this time of my life, however, I find that my cup runneth over with gratitude for all sorts of gifts. I am supremely grateful for eyesight that, slightly fuzzy though it may be, allows me to see fireflies, read Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine, and continue to make my living with words, unimpaired. I’m grateful for my sense of smell which, though somewhat impeded by multitudinous annoying allergies, works well enough to savor the scent of a woman I cherish, of a good beer, and of raindrops falling on a dusty country road in midsummer. My fingers tremble slightly, as did my father’s, but they can still pound a keyboard nigh unto breaking, and they can feel the silky skin on my grandson’s cheek. My left ear works a bit better than my right, but I can hear the rumble of an approaching thunderstorm, the magnificence of Beethoven’s “Emperor Concerto,” and the endlessly varied serenade of a mockingbird.

There’s more, of course—sensations I catalog every day that are part of living in this body in this Earth-school. Beyond this body, though, is my newer realization of enormous gratitude for having understood that there are important lessons I am to learn as a part of being here, now, in this body, at this time. And that learning those lessons about who I am, truly, and why I’m here are at the heart of the whole grand, unimaginably thrilling catastrophe of life.

Finally, it seems to me that, rather than just sitting selfishly on such abundant blessings, I have the responsibility of paying forward, however and whenever possible. With that aim in mind, one last small example: As I write these words, I’m on a Southwest flight, a half hour late, from Baltimore to Louisville. So grateful was I for the unfurling of this column (which is also late) that I departed from my usual traveling routine and ordered a bourbon on the rocks. (Only rarely do I drink on planes. I’ve endured enough on-the-road mishaps to make me wish to keep my wits about me.) Tonight, however, I ordered a drink—and had my free-drink coupon refused. Because the flight is late, I was told, all drinks are free. Paradoxically, I was unhappy. I have dozens of coupons that go unused; I wanted to spend one. The solution came to me quickly. I gave all four coupons in the little book to the flight attendant and asked her to buy drinks sometime soon for four thirsty travelers. “Who shall I say bought them a drink?” she asked. “Bob,” I replied. “Tell them Bob bought it for them.”

They’ll be so grateful. And so am I, right now.

***

Let’s have a conversation. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll really see one another—and learn wondrous new things about ourselves, and pass those precious learnings along to others. Send your stories—300-600 words, please—to literacy@mindspring.com.

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Letters to the Editor
From Our Readers

Steve, thank you for the tenth issue of The Lens. It is wonderful. As I quickly read the fine articles, I truly connected with the overall theme of helping or serving others. I am a lifelong volunteer and, as a family, we consistently help others. As you wrote in your article, I also believe that helping or serving is built into human nature and enhanced by nurture that propels us into the serving others through considerate thought and behavior. My wife and I just returned from New Hampshire where we had an opportunity to enjoy the beauty of the state and the leisurely company of friends and family. During one of the dinner conversations we spoke about the value to self and others of volunteering. The conversation at times paralleled or overlapped the theme of The Lens, especially the articles written by Paul and you. I look forward to reading future issues.
- Enrico A. Prata, Randolph, NJ

Dear Bob: Your October 2009 LENS contribution moved me very much…"To see others clearly is to see God manifested in all imaginable guises on this Earth—each of us, all of us, just trying to make our way home. Seeing others truly and serving them—in large ways or small ways, in any way—is serving God. Serving others is serving God in us." Perfect....I admire the contributors to The Lens and what they are doing in service of others. And I want to tell them–and their readers - not to forget their own needs. I think service to God and others is rooted in service to the causes of our inner selves.
- Christa Metzger, Arapahoe, North Carolina

As usual, the stories in The Lens deeply touched my heart, each article bringing tears of joy.  Thank you, thank you.
- Erin O' Kelley Muck, Ashland, Oregon

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